Childhood and Family

How Your Childhood Shapes You Today

Maybe you can't say no without feeling guilty, or you never feel good enough. Maybe a phone call with your parents leaves you drained for days.

You might wonder where these patterns come from. For many people, part of the answer is the family they grew up in. That idea can bring up some questions. Does this mean something was wrong with my family? My parents did their best, so is it unfair to look at it this way?

These are fair questions. This page walks through how your childhood and family may affect you today, and how therapy can help.

Why Does the Family You Grew Up In Matter?

In psychology, the family you grew up in is often called your "family of origin." It includes your parents, siblings and anyone else who raised you. Everyone has one. Looking at it doesn't mean your family was bad, and it isn't a diagnosis. It's simply a way to understand how growing up in that home shaped who you are today.

Other things shape us too, like the personality we're born with, school, friends and what happens later in life. But home is the first place we learn how to relate to people, so its effects often run deep.

What Do Children Learn at Home?

Children depend on adults to take care of them, so they watch adults closely. Over time, they learn what earns praise, what gets them in trouble and what is better left unsaid. Nobody spells out these "family rules," but little by little they become habits.

Many of these habits are good ones, like working hard, being responsible and caring for family. But some habits that helped back then can wear you out as an adult.

My Childhood Wasn't That Bad. Can It Still Affect Me?

Yes. Children need more than food, clothes and a roof over their heads. Every child also needs to feel seen, comforted, safe and accepted for who they are. Even in a home where everything else was taken care of, these needs can go unmet. For example:

When you were upset, you heard, "There's nothing to cry about."
You came home with 95% on a test and heard, "What happened to the other 5%?"
You had to grow up fast: looking after younger siblings, calming a parent down or translating for your parents. This is especially common for the oldest child.
You were often compared: "Why can't you be more like your sister?"
Your parents fought a lot, weren't around, or were so busy working that your feelings got lost.

Every family has arguments. What often leaves a deeper mark is when no one comes back afterward to comfort you or make things right.

Many parents were dealing with hard things of their own, like poverty, war, immigration or their own difficult childhood. You can understand what your parents went through and still admit that you were hurt.

Why Do These Habits Follow You After You Leave Home?

Here's an example. Imagine a child whose parents often fought. When one of them was upset, the whole house felt tense. So the child learned to read the room: be good, stay quiet and keep everyone happy. At the time, this was a smart way to stay safe.

Years later, that child is an adult with a home of their own, but the habit is still there. When their boss frowns, they assume they've done something wrong. Even when they're exhausted, they can't say no. After every call with their parents, it takes them days to feel like themselves again.

They tell themselves, "I'm just too sensitive." But it may not be about being sensitive at all. It may be a habit from childhood, the kind many people now call people-pleasing. After so many years, it happens automatically.

Besides people-pleasing, other common habits include:

Being hard on yourself: no matter how well you do, it never feels like enough, and the voice in your head sounds like your parents
Feeling guilty when you say no: one "I'm only saying this for your own good," and you give in. That kind of pressure is often called a guilt trip.
Taking care of everyone: but finding it hard to let anyone take care of you
Keeping feelings to yourself: when something bothers you, you don't say anything
Finding it hard to trust people: you expect people to let you down sooner or later

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You Can Feel Love, Anger and Guilt All at Once

Some people are angry with their family and want some space. Some love their parents but feel worn out by them, then feel guilty about that. Others carry a quiet sadness for the childhood they never had. All of these feelings are normal.

In many families, especially in immigrant families, duty to parents runs deep. Therapy won't ask you to give that up. It can help you tell the difference between helping your family because you want to and doing it out of guilt. How close you stay with your family is always up to you.

How Old Habits Can Affect Your Relationship and Your Parenting

These habits often show up most with the people closest to you. In an argument with a partner, some people react the way their parents did, often without noticing. With their own children, some parents find themselves repeating what they grew up with. Therapy can help you sort out which habits came from home, and practise handling things the way you choose.

A Few Questions to Ask Yourself

If reading this has brought up some hard feelings, that's natural. Take your time with these questions:

When someone is unhappy with you, does it stay with you for days?
When you're hard on yourself, do the words sound like what you heard growing up?
After spending time with family, do you usually feel relaxed or drained?
If guilt weren't in the way, what's one small thing you'd do differently?

We all have some of these habits. If they keep making work, relationships or family life harder, it may be worth talking to a professional.

How Can Therapy Help?

Therapy can help you understand where these habits came from, make room for feelings you've kept inside, and slowly try new ways of responding. It's not only about the past. It's about how you want to live now. It isn't about blaming your parents, and it isn't a quick fix. You set the pace.

Dr. Tse will get to know your situation first, then decide with you which approaches fit best. These may include:

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): you look at beliefs you've carried since childhood, like "I'm only worth something if I do well," and ask whether they're fair and true
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): instead of asking whether an old habit is right or wrong, you ask, "Is it still helping me today?" Then you put your energy back into the people and things you care about
Compassion-focused therapy: you learn to treat yourself with the kindness you'd show a good friend, so the harsh inner voice from childhood has less hold on you
Mindfulness: you practise bringing your attention back to the present, so you catch old habits sooner
Boundaries and speaking up: you prepare for family visits, phone calls and holidays, and practise saying no and asking for what you need

If you went through serious trauma, Dr. Tse will work with you, at your own pace, to figure out what kind of help fits best.

Get Started

You don't need a diagnosis, and you don't need to wait until you can't cope. Some people want help with something that has bothered them for years. Others simply want to understand themselves better.

Start with a free 15-minute consultation. Ask any questions you have. There's no obligation to continue.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What happens in therapy for childhood and family patterns?

It's one-on-one therapy. With Dr. Tse, you look at how your upbringing affects your emotions, your relationships and the way you handle stress today, and you practise new ways of responding. Common approaches include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), compassion-focused therapy and mindfulness. Some people call this family of origin therapy, but it isn't a special type of therapy.

Does therapy help with childhood and family patterns?

Research supports CBT and ACT for problems like anxiety, depression and harsh self-criticism, which are sometimes linked to how a person was raised. Everyone's situation is different, and so is their progress.

How long does therapy take?

It's different for everyone. Some people want to work on one or two specific problems. Others want to understand themselves more deeply, which takes longer. Dr. Tse will set goals with you, check in on progress regularly, and decide together what comes next.

My family won't come. Can I come on my own?

Yes. Many people come on their own. You may not be able to change your family, but you can change how you respond. When your responses change, the way you get along sometimes changes too.

Do I have to talk about my parents in detail?

No. Some people want to look closely at the past. Others want to focus on what they're dealing with today. Both are fine.

What if talking about the past feels too painful?

That's understandable. Talking about the past can bring up painful feelings at times, and that's common. You set the pace. You can ask to slow down at any time, or to focus on the present instead. Dr. Tse will also pay attention to how you're feeling and adjust as needed.

What if I'm not ready to forgive my parents, or I'm not sure how close I want to be?

That's okay. There's no right answer and no rush. Whether to forgive, and how close you stay with your family, is up to you. Therapy can help you get clear on what you need, so you can make the choice that's right for you.

Is therapy available in Cantonese or Mandarin?

Yes. Dr. Tse speaks English, Cantonese and Mandarin. Many people find some family experiences easier to talk about in the language they grew up with.

Does BC's Medical Services Plan (MSP) or extended health insurance cover therapy?

The Medical Services Plan doesn't cover private psychologists. However, many extended health plans cover services by a Licensed Psychologist. Check how much your plan covers each year and whether you need a doctor's referral.

What if I need urgent help?

The practice may not be able to provide immediate or urgent support. If you need help right away, these community services are available:

9-1-1: If you're in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.
9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call or text, 24 hours a day.
310-6789 (310 Mental Health Support): BC's mental health support line, 24 hours a day. No area code needed; interpreters available.
Access and Assessment Centre at Vancouver General Hospital: 604-675-3700. Support for urgent but non-life-threatening mental health concerns for Vancouver residents, open every day, with interpreters available.