Grief & Loss

What is Grief?

Everyone will have significant losses at some point in their lives. We will experience grief with the death of our loved ones. We will have grief with other non-death-related losses, such as loss of employment, relationship, physical health, or independence from a disability.

Grief is a natural and necessary emotional reaction to loss. The experience of grief varies with different individuals. People can have different emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioural reactions. Some common reactions include:

Emotional

Shock & numbness – Usually the first reaction to loss. It is hard to believe we lose someone or something so valuable in our lives.
Sadness – We can be overwhelmed with sadness and cry a lot. We may feel despair.
Anger –We may become angry at the person we lost or the reason for our loss.
Guilt – We may feel guilty about having anger/resentment, something we said or did not say, or the fact that we cannot stop our loved ones from dying.

Physical

Fatigue, tiredness, exhaustion
Sleep disturbances – Difficulties falling/maintaining sleep or oversleeping too much
Changes in appetite – Eating too little or too much
Upset stomach
Muscle tension
Headache or pain

Cognitive

Concentration and/or memory difficulties
Difficulty making decisions, even simple ones
Confusion
Preoccupation with loss/death – We cannot stop thinking about the loved one or things associated with the loss.

Behavioural

Avoid people or situations that remind us of the loss
Change in activity level – working too much or too little
Neglecting self-care, such as personal hygiene, nutrition, health
Loss of interest in work, world events, social activities, or sex
Increase consumption of alcohol, drugs, or medications to cope with the loss
Acting out

Although grief can create strong and overwhelming reactions, especially at the beginning of the loss, many individuals will naturally have fewer symptoms of grief after a few months.

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Managing Grief & Loss

People deal with their grief and loss in different ways. Certainly, there are no right or wrong ways to grieve. However, some ways are less healthy than others, such as relying on alcohol or drugs, lashing out of anger towards others, etc. Here are some positive and constructive ideas to cope with the loss:

Acknowledging, expressing, and accepting feelings
Allow ourselves to be sad, angry, confused, or whatever feelings that appear from the loss. Accepting your feelings may be difficult, but it is natural and healthy. When we allow ourselves to express and process our feelings about the loss, we can move closer to acceptance.
Taking care of yourself
Having a strong physical body will certainly assist us in recovering from our loss. Finding ways to sleep well, eat healthily, and exercise are crucial. Doing things or hobbies that you enjoy can improve your mood.
Social support
Talking with trusted family members or friends can be tremendously helpful for our grieving. We don’t have to be all alone while we grieve.
Spiritual care
Many individuals find comfort in spirituality. Participating in rituals (e.g., funerals) allows us to express our grief and seek support from people who are going through grieving at the same time. Attending a church service or praying at a temple can bring us serenity and be soothing for our grief.

When to Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, professional help may be necessary when the grief is too intense and overwhelming and does not diminish with time. The following are signs to look out for:

Not feeling better after several months of grieving
Persistent and intense depressive mood
Suicidal thoughts or other self-harm behaviours
Faking “strong” on the outside and denying pain inside
Inability to participate or significant loss of interest in work, school, or daily life activities
Notable changes in sleeping or eating patterns
Difficulties with concentration
Deteriorating relationships and/or withdrawal from families and friends
Increase use of chemical substances

What is Grief Counselling?

Psychologists can assist the grieving individuals:

To learn and understand the normal grieving process
This is particularly important for grieving individuals who are slipping into more serious conditions, such as depression.

To assist with emotional acceptance about the loss
Not being able to express, process and accept difficult emotions arising from the loss is a barrier to recovery. Psychologists are trained in using different strategies to assist individuals with emotional processing and acceptance. When people can express, process, and accept difficult emotions, they make crucial steps towards healing from the loss.

To adjust to the new reality after the loss
Psychologists can help grieving individuals problem-solve new lifestyle behaviours without their loved ones or objects, develop different and more balanced perspectives about their loss, and explore a new identity after their loss.

If you or someone you know can benefit from grief counselling, contact us for a free 15-minute consultation to see how we can help you on your path to feeling better.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What's the difference between grief and depression?

They have a lot in common, such as sadness, poor sleep and low energy. Here's how they often differ:

Grief: Sadness tends to come in waves and is mostly tied to missing the person you lost. Between the waves, you may have calmer moments, and you may even laugh.
Depression: Low mood tends to be more constant. It often comes with feeling worthless, or feeling that nothing is worth doing.

The two can also happen together. If you can't tell which it is, talking with a professional may help. You can also read more on the Depression page.

It happened many years ago. Can I still come?

Yes, you're welcome to get in touch, however long it has been. Some people were so busy taking care of family matters at the time that they never had a chance to grieve. For others, a new event years later brings the old pain back.

Will therapy make me let go of them, or forget them?

Therapy isn't about forgetting the person you lost. Often, the aim is to find a way of remembering them that feels right, while still moving forward with your life.

Do I have to talk about how my loved one died?

Not necessarily. You don't need to share details during the phone consultation. Once therapy begins, you and Dr. Tse decide together how much to talk about, and when.

Someone in my family is grieving. How can I help?

It can help to spend time with them and listen patiently. You can also talk about the person who died; there's no need to avoid the subject. Try not to rush to tell them to "be strong" or "move on." Practical help can matter too, such as picking up groceries or helping with paperwork. If their grief stays very intense, you could encourage them to see their family doctor or book a free 15-minute phone consultation. Therapy tends to work best when the person wants to take part.

What if I need urgent help?

The practice does not provide emergency or crisis services. If you need help right away, these community services are available:

9-1-1: If you’re in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.
9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call or text, 24 hours a day.
310-6789 (310 Mental Health Support): BC’s mental health support line, 24 hours a day. No area code needed; interpreters available.
Access and Assessment Centre at Vancouver General Hospital: 604-675-3700. For Vancouver residents with mental health or substance use concerns that are not life-threatening. Phone lines are open 7:30 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day, with interpreters available.